Sad Reality

It's sad that most Filipinos have to resort to self-deprecation for comedic relief.

AM+DG

I defined today as the day that would almost completely determine my future. Today is the day I had visa interview. Getting approved means I get to (finally) leave, otherwise, I stay here again for an indefinite time.

The day started very early. At 3am, only an hour after I went to sleep. I fixed myself, I photocopied the remaining documents that needed to be photocopied, I took a shower, got dressed, and left. It was at 4am. The instructions said, be there an hour before your interview, which means at 620, or 630 for a 10-minute grace period. I got to the embassy at exactly 630. The sun was already almost up, the surroundings already clearly visible. I imagined it to be still dark, as in 5am dark. Heck. Anyway, apparently, many people were already there by the time I got out of the car. Mom was with me; I didn't have an idea what she'll be doing for the next 3-4 hours just waiting outside. She didn't have to go with me.

I fell in line, along with other NIV applicants. The line moved fast, with several people assigned to check on the documents (app forms) of the people. Subsequently, we were asked to proceed to gate 3 to leave the extra stuff, of which I didn't have any. We went out, then going to a certain Window B for our passports, app forms, and I-20 ( for students) to be taken. While in line, i thought I saw someone familiar. She was from the Ateneo, I know. She was just 3 numbers ahead of me. After her documents were checked, with the passport, forms and I-20 left to the person, she came up to me and asked, "Are you also from Ateneo?" She read my mind. We knew each other by face. I nodded at her and asked, "So you're also studying? Where at?" "Columbia," she said. I thought Columbia Uni, but it was Columbia Union College in Maryland. What got me wow-ing was her course, Medicine. Ain't it nice? Then it was her turn to ask the same. I said Georgetown and that it was only for a short course. Afterwards, she had to leave for 'Step 2', heading for the Pavillion.

Minutes after, we met again. And chatted and chatted and chatted. The five of us on the row were all applying for F1, the student visa. They were calling people by numbers, in sets of 5. She got called after a while and I thought I was following soon. We were again just 2 numbers apart. But hell, it took about an hour before my batch was called to move to Step 3, fingerprint scanning. In that step, I 'met' 3 students- 2 were UPLB undergards going to MSU (I didn't bother asking what MSU was, lest that I appear stupid. I simply safely assumed it was Michigan State Uni) as exhange students and 1 was a girl who's just beginning college, in Las Vegas. Viva!

Then it was my turn to scan. If only I wasn't in the US Embassy, I would've bitched out to the lady who kept doing the same, telling bitchily, "Iurong mo nga yang finger mo. Urong pa! Iurong mo pa nga e!" The guts! She was like that to most people. I guess it's because... matanda na kasi. After the scanning, we were down to last (or second to the last, rather) step. The interview. By the way, the schedule said 7:20 and we got to the interview room 8:30 or 8:45. The wait was just dreadful. People applying for student visa had the same consul. And the first 4 or 5 I saw leaving after I entered the room to wait for my turn, got turned down. They had their passports with them as they walked outside the building. DREADFUL. According to the website and other sources, interview usually last for 2-5 minutes. 5 minutes was the maximum. BUT. In our beloved consul's case, it was taking him 10-15 minutes per, which means that while the other windows have had 2 or 3 people come and go, he was still talking (or grilling!) the same person called 10 minutes ago. We could only take that to mean that he was TOUGH, i.e., we were DEAD. I started feeling a tad better after seeing that from numbers 2205 or 6 up to 2210 (the batchmate I met outside) all got approved. I didn't intend to look at fellow Atenean's result. She holds a yellow slip, she's in. Otherwise, you know what that means. But I saw she got it. Then came 11 then 12 then it was 2213. 13. My number. Finally, the long wait was over. 2 hours of waiting and it was finally my turn on the hot seat. So I approached the window.

Me: Hi! Good morning!
Consul: So you're studying in Georgetown in Washington D.C.
Me: Yes.
C: This is for a Bachelor's Degree?
Me: No, it's only a short course.
C: On what?
Me: General Studies- Politics and Economics.
(Looks at my I-20)
C: So what do you get out of it?
Me: Credits from Georgetown and the experience to be independent for at least a couple of months.
C: Other than for personal development, why else are you applying?
Me (my worst answer during the whole interview): Actually it's for knowledge enhancement and also it would... help out... my resume. (What?!?! --Yes, I thought of this immediately after I said what I said.) At least it could somehow boost my (I forgot what I said here. But I think I said, APPLICATION.)
The consul didn't seem to mind what I said. I thought though I was doomed.
C: So you'll be paying through personal funds. Who will be paying for it?
Me: My parents.
C: What do you parents do?
Me: We own a hardware store in the province. Would you like to see some [bank] certifications?
C: Yes, please.
[skip skip skip- unimportant part, money matters.]
C: You're still an undergraduate, right?
Me: Actually, I just recently graduated.
C: What do you do at the moment?
Me: I work for our family business. I'm currently the Accounts Officer.
C: How much do you earn?
Me: AB,000.
C: A-B or B-0?
Me: A-B.
C: So you'll be paying $XXXX which is like XXXXXX in peso only for the credits? Don't you have any plans which would make the program relevant and the huge payment worth it? (not his exact words.)
Me: Well, actually, at the moment, I am trying to figure out whether to pursue an MBA or go to law school in the future and I think this program would serve as a good testing ground for that.
The consul nodded.
C: Is the school aware that you already graduated? It says here [looks at the acceptance letter]
that it is only for undergraduates.
Me: Yes. Actually Sir, I clarified it with them and asked if I could still apply, and they said yes. So I did.
Wrote something on my I-20 (or was it 156?), gave the yellow slip, retained my passport et al. and said:
C: Okay, so go to Delbros to pay for the shipping fee and we'll just have your passport delivered together with your visa.

HEAVEN. You weren't an ass, I was right. Maybe the ones who got denied really just didn't have stuff to back up their reasons. The consul looked nice and was nice. He even joked about the passbook having both English and Chinese characters on it, but not Tagalog. (To which I replied, 'I know! Hahaha.')

Almost the whole time I was waiting, I was just saying to myself and praying, for the greater glory of God.

God works in mysterious ways. ;)

Nervoushit.

Thinking about the interview on Tuesday, I SWEAR, is killing me. Is killing me. Is killing me.

I hope I'm still sane by Tuesday.

What if...

...I also become a Barrister?

A semi-mapped out future

I seem to have already defined the steps i intend to take in the next several years of my life. Again, all of those would only mean something if things turn out right. This is one thing I truly, truly fear. I'm starting to think I'm starting to become phobic about it. Anyway, it all starts with the visa. I must get it or the first step towards fulfilling my plans would already end even before it started. It's a pretty simple plan actually, the one I have.

1. Finish CS.
2. Get accepted and finish my Master's.
3. Get a good (pay-wise, nature-wise, and load-wise) job.
4. Work for 3-4 years.
5. Get an MBA in London (LBS! And yes, I'm already being very specific, ain't I?)
6. Somewhere along the way, get the CFA title.
7. Sail through to the Bahamas... Mwahaha.

You see, the situation's very fragile. A wrong turn of an event and... a Plan B would be called for. Business Management skills to the rescue.

PS Now I already believe in the saying that things happen for a reason. Maybe He didn't want me going to UK [yet] because I "have" to do the Master's, which honestly I have more personal [and better] reasons for pursuing. So now, if I dont get to leave again for the US to do CS and IPPAM, then okay, I'll just wait and see what's that better thing in store for me.

In response to THES-QS World University Rankings

What made this ranking ridiculous was that DLSU went ahead of the Ateneo by close to a hundred slots. The former ranked 392nd and my beloved Ateneo, 484th. While it is indeed disappointing to see your alma mater find itself almost at the bottom of the rankings, interpreted as how the world perceives your school to be, we still have to question the methodology through which the rankings were arrived at. It needs to be questioned on the basis of its scope- what questions were asked, how things were categorized and most especially in what context did the rankings come about.

I wouldn't even bother arguing that UP couldn't have ranked higher than AdMU. It is the state university after all and many of the country's brightest just go and enrol there. Moreover, as a state university, it also attracts not only (many of) the brightest students but also (many of) the brightest professors. It is also recognized by more international schools, even companies, I think. Somehow, it is more acceptable that it ranked higher. Though personally, I'd like to think AdMU still is the better school for what it's worth. Better or at least at par with the other. But to tell that DLSU's better? You just have to stop there. *Scoff*

Of course, many people would argue, (you) love your own. Probably the reason why I'm defending my school. Could be true. Or it could simply be that AdMU really is better. Let's give the best public uni title to UP but there's no way DLSU could be the best private. Love your own; take my word. I could go on and on discussing and saying that AdMU really is better. But instead, I'll let our president, Fr. Ben Nebres, do the talking. Taken from the Ateneo site:


(Note: On Oct. 5, 2006, a global survey of higher educational institutions — the Times Higher Education Supplement - Quacquarelli Symonds [THES-QS] World University Rankings — was released. Among thousands of universities surveyed, 4 from the Philippines made it to the top 500. These are the University of the Philippines [299th], De La Salle University [392nd], Ateneo de Manila University [484th], and the University of Santo Tomas [500th]. [The complete results are posted in QS Top Universities Website.] To enlighten the community regarding the results of the THES survey, the University President writes the following response.

The context of the Times rankings is the process of internationalization of universities; in particular, they are intended for students looking for places abroad to study. Ateneo understands that internationalization in the university is important in our globalizing world and, thus, we understand the purpose of these rankings. However, each university and each country have their own priorities. The priority in the vision/mission of the Ateneo has been the formation of leaders in Christian and Jesuit values and contribution to overcoming poverty and national development. Thus, we have responded to internationalization by what is the most advanced student mobility and study abroad program in the country.

• JGSOM’s Junior Term Abroad creates opportunities for college juniors to spend one semester in any of the Ateneo's many partner universities. This year, 114 Ateneo college students are spending a semester in universities in Asia (particularly China, Japan, Singapore), in Europe and the United States. We will have 150 students annually in study abroad programs in the next two years and this will continue to grow.

• We have students from the Schools of Science and Engineering, Social Sciences, Humanities and the Graduate School of Business who also spend a semester or year abroad. We also have summer student cultural programs to Europe (through our European Studies Program) and Asia (particularly Macau, Hong Kong, and China). In the next years, we want to tap more partners in these countries and to go into new partnership agreements with other countries in Europe, (Spain, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Germany) and Asia (Malaysia, Taiwan, and Thailand).

• Those who cannot go abroad are offered the opportunity of studying with foreign classmates through our inbound students. Our agreements have also allowed us to host a mix of international students on campus from China, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, France, Germany, the US, Japan, Macau, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Myanmar.

These programs follow our priority of leadership formation, since we believe that leaders of tomorrow will have to be increasingly global in their perspective. We do receive international students. However, a focus on attracting foreign students (the purpose of the Times rankings) has been a secondary priority for us.

From our international exchanges, we see that we are highly respected among those who have come to know us. Just in the last few months, when China decided to set up Confucius Institutes for the teaching of Chinese language and culture in about 100 universities around the world, the Ateneo de Manila was the first (and so far the only) university designated in the Philippines. In addition, the World Press Photojournalism Institute in the Netherlands has also chosen the Ateneo as partner for its program in photojournalism. We will exert more effort to better communicate this to the outside world. Our alumni abroad can help us a lot in this regard.

There are other efforts to increase the number and quality of our active international partnerships and programs. We have been benchmarking for quality (IEEE standards for ECCE, attendance of conferences, networks) and sending our students to regional competitions, among others. However, because of our small size and relatively few programs until recently, our international reach has been limited. In surveys like this, size matters, both in the number of students and the diversity of programs.

In a world dominated by science and technology, it was only in the last ten years or so that the Ateneo has established itself in science and technology. We were thus small, both in terms of number of students and diversity of programs. But we must also remember that it was this small size and the focus on formation and the core curriculum (esp. philosophy, theology, literature) that our alumni treasure most. It is to the formation they obtained in this focus of the Ateneo that they attribute their own growth in leadership. Thus, while the smallness makes us less widely known outside the Philippines, the same characteristic has formed important leaders in business and government in our country and has established Ateneo as a well-known and great school in the Philippines.

Today, we are a University of about 7,585 undergraduates and 3,300 graduate students. Relative to its size, the proportion of Ateneo graduates in local and regional leadership positions in the academe, government, and business is impressive. We have a growing number of alumni abroad who have become leaders in the international world. We believe that a great part of their success comes from Ateneo’s focus on formation and on core curriculum courses such as philosophy and theology. As mentioned above, we are becoming better known through our growing international contacts and through our students studying abroad; our culture of forming leaders and contributing to national development is highly respected.

The area of research, particularly research published in ISI journals, is an area where we realize we have to do much more. The tradition of the Ateneo de Manila, and the tradition of the great majority of universities until the last few decades, has been that of preparing leaders for society. In recent decades, the role of the leading universities has moved towards the creation of new knowledge, namely research. The Ateneo de Manila, in particular the Loyola Schools, has invested much to increase research efforts. We have chosen certain areas where we feel we can make a significant difference, and we are excellent in these areas. But we realize that much more needs to be done. This will require, however, careful discussion and planning, because we do not want to lose focus on our priority goals of leadership formation and contribution to national development. These latter goals, we believe, are still Ateneo’s most important contribution to the Philippines.

The rankings challenge us to improve our efforts in internationalization and research, but it has to be recognized that the criteria, purpose, and survey instrument (please refer to Notes below) also do not reflect certain aspects that make the Ateneo an excellent Philippine university. As mentioned above, the formation of leaders and contributing to national development is our priority; however, these priority concerns of ours are not given weight in the Times rankings.

Rankings in the Times survey are important because they measure how the world perceives us. But just as a person has to take what people think of them in the context of their own values and priorities, we, too, have to reflect on these perceptions and measures within our own view of our vision and mission. Thus, while we will work on strengthening our research and publications in ISI journals (because these are the dominant measures in the Times and other surveys), we need to do this in a way that does not move us away from our vision/mission and our traditional strengths: leadership formation and contribution to national development. These have to continue to be our priorities as a Jesuit university committed to the service of faith and the promotion of justice and as a university in a Philippines whose greatest challenge is overcoming poverty and national development.

Notes:

The survey criteria:

Peer Review - 40% (name recall and contacts)
Recruiter Review - 10%
International Faculty Score - 5%
International Students Score - 5%
Faculty/Student Score - 20%
Citations/Faculty Score - 20% (number of researches in ISI journals and/or the number of times publications have been cited by other work)

The survey asked the Ateneo to supply only the following:

1. Number of faculty (teachers, teaching assistants, full time equivalent)
2. Number of international faculty
3. Number of undergraduate students
4. Number of international undergraduate students
5. Average course fees per year for an undergraduate course
6. Average course fees per year for an international undergraduate
7. Number of postgraduate students
8. Number of international postgraduate students
9. Average course fees per year for a postgraduate course
10. Average course fees per year for an international postgraduate
11. Library expenditure for the most recent academic year
12. Average entry requirements for an undergraduate course
13. Percentage of graduates employed six (6) months post-graduation

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So some people would say, what lame excuses Fr. Ben. Ha, I'd bet you these people would be either:

1. Lasalistas
2. Insecure Lasalistas
3. Offended Lasalistas
4. Brainwashed Iskolars or
5. Die-hard Lasalistas and Iskolars.

Thank you to UST people for not throwing the kind of silly arguments students from both schools do. [Context: PEx]

The end is the beginning is the end

Now, the real wait begins. I followed my Wednesday deadline of submitting my application even without any reply from one of my preferred recommenders. Anyway, I already got 3, which is the minimum. So I guess my application's fine and will be ready for review when the 3rd prof submits her part.

Really, I'm being bugged by my fear of not getting accepted. Not to mention that I have my visa interview in 2 weeks' time, which I should also worry about. It. really. scares. me. The world really hasn't been very supportive of me and my plans. Ehem, U K. I actually don't know which of the 2 is the bigger worry, the visa or the Master's. Getting denied a visa means I don't get to do CS (and maybe even Master's) anymore but not getting into the Master's means my future is doomed. I think I wouldn't know where to pick up from if that happens. Start from scratch? I don't even have a Plan B in case things screw up! So the scratch remains a friggin scratch. It's never gonna turn into a blueprint, a manuscript, a biography, an autobiography! LOL. I hope my being a sucker for inspirational songs would take effect in these 2 significant moments of my life. Like, for once, come on. Just let things happen for me! I. need. to. be. happy. I hope I made myself clear.

If things screw up either way, things half-end for me. That ending will be the beginning of the upcoming series of (or more) screw ups. Then that becomes the real end for me. And then I disappear.

TGTBT/Cynicism

It would be too good to be true if my article gets published in a national paper.

It would be too good to be true if I acquire a visa and book a flight for myself.

It would be too good to be true if I leave and study in a prestigious uni abroad.

It would be too good to be true if I get accepted into this program I'm applying for.

It would be too good to be true if I graduate from a prestigious uni abroad.

It would be too good to be true if I graduate on top of my class in a prestigious uni abroad.

It would be too good to be true if I spend the rest of my life elsewhere.

It would be too good to be true if I get to watch live football games in the UK from time to time.

It would be too good to be true if I live the life of a wealthy man.

It would be too good to be true if I live a good life in the future.

It would be just too good to be true if all of my dreams come true.

TeethTalk

To my Teeth of the [Low] Order:

Just in case you don't sense it, you're supposed to tip back NOW. So Teeth of the [High] Order will finally find their perfect place. So I can have my braces removed sooner. I've had it for more than 4 years now; I think the brackets have already spent longer than theyre supposed to moving every single tooth. The job must be done soon.

Sincerely, Self and Mouth.

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I'm almost ready to submit my application. I'm just about to do some final/semi-major touches on my essay, which I hope would work. Somehow came up with a better idea on how to open and close my essay.

I'm still waiting for the recommendations though. I feel kinda bad about having to bug my teachers about the letter. If only it weren't urgent. Sorry friends! =)

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Almost incessantly worrying about my visa, I realized something. Why haven't I been asking for a pay while working here at home? I've been working for the past 7 months and I havent gotten a single cent, well except for the one's I've spent for shopping. I'd only need my mom to add some more to my TD so when I go to my interview, I have something somehow good to show to the consul that would declare, YES! I AM COMING BACK! Boom, visa granted. Hold on, back to Section 214 of SeLA.

Awww, crrrrap.

Section 214 of Self Leaving Act (SeLA)

Section 214(b) of the U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act (INA) states that:

"Every alien shall be presumed to be an immigrant until he establishes to the satisfaction of the officer, at the time of the application for a visa that he is entitled to nonimmigrant status..."

My own created section of my own still unwritten act from my own unwritten life laws states that:

"I shall be presumed to be staying my whole life here in the Philippines until I am able to establish to my own satisfaction through payment of school fees, booking of plane ticket/s, and most especially acquiring a visa, that I am leaving for whatever reason..."

Therefore, there's a big and valid reason to continue freaking out until I have gone past my own written section.

The big day is December 1. That day shall determine whether I leave or not. Promise, I am nearing insanity thinking about it. My best (NOT!) mind-companion What-If pops in my head from time to time that while he knows I don't really need him ever, he still seems to remain insensitive.

Prospectus v2.0

The recent columns of Michael Tan, I suppose, have opened the eyes of many students, current or otherwise, to the wonderful and exciting possibilities of pursuing studies abroad. Many of us just looove hearing about a friend of a friend or our friend per se who attends or has attended Harvard, Stanford, Yale, OxBridge, or another of the highest ranking schools in the world. We're wowed by these people and the idea of being there ourselves just sometimes plays with our minds. The rankings, which just came out a couple of weeks ago, might have even helped and caused us to start pinpointing and telling ourselves, 'I want to study here, here, or here!' Well, who wouldn't? The idea of breaking free from the seemingly hopeless case of the country, receiving a scholarship, getting exposed to a new and different culture, being independent, and/or gaining the bragging rights for being there ourselves is just so hard to resist. One day, we tell ourselves, 'I'll be there'.

Right now, I already have a stack of about 15 prospectuses from UK and US universities. I could only shrug at the thought of attending any of these outstanding universities. For one, my grades are not competitive enough to give me a high chance of getting in. Just take a look: UCLA, UC-Berkeley, University of Chicago, University College London and London School of Economics to name some. It would be foolish to convince myself that I could make it. Actually before, I did. My pompous self allowed it. To be honest, my credentials are not poor, but they're barely enough and 'enough' most of the time isn't even, well, enough. (Some who are highly qualified don't even make the cut.) Even for some schools, I don't see my GPA meeting the 25th percentile GPA of their accepted applicants. If I were still in school, I would be either a D or an F student. Barely getting by, or even failing altogether.

Anyway, I shouldn't even begin to attempt to fly to Neverland where everything is but beautiful and perfect. After all, what I have are mere prospectuses. From the word prospect. As a prospective student, I rationalize, analyze and wonder about the possibilities of attending one of those universities, which doesn't even come close to translating to ACTUALLY attending it. The stack doesn't tell you anything. Maybe it does, but it couldn't be anything significant. It only tells you that I have the luxury of time to look for the good schools on the net, request for a copy of their prospectus and click the 'send' button countless times. Voila! The prospectuses are right at my doorstep. I decide whether to apply or not. The prospectuses of the top schools tell me, apply at your own risk. In Filipino, pakapalan na ng apog.

So we send out our applications. The whole idea of leaving, of studying abroad is exciting but along with the excitement comes a crisis: the horrendous experience of waiting. Time unfolding just gets the best of us. Within that period of waiting are the chances to rethink our plans, explore other options, and unfortunately sometimes, divert to something new. Whether or not we change our mind somewhere along the way about where we want to go (and even what we want to do), we are still in that phase of daydreaming. But we shouldn't even forget that daydreaming could be a ridiculous activity. Free it is, indeed, yet oftentimes, it only becomes the painful dictation of what we wish to fulfill. (Good for you if that's not the case.) Personal experiences have taught me that. As we daydream about what may lie ahead of us, it is most difficult once we find ourselves holding on to something despite the many uncertainties that go with it. Daydreaming only creates victims among us and its effects depend on how much time we spend doing it. The more fixated we become on the thing, the more difficult it is to detach ourselves from it. The best thing we can do is hope.

But hoping is futile if in the end, prospects don't actualize- if they remain prospects, hopes, or dreams. Hoping, I believe, could be either of the two things: that which tells us something good (or better) COULD come our way, keeping us hopeful; and that which tells us that something good WILL come our way, fooling us into believing that hoping and expecting are one and the same. Many times, we fall into that trap of being fooled. We 'hope' so much without realizing the pain it could bring. The moment a rejection letter from our dream school reaches our mailbox, our dreams come crashing down. We try to look at things differently and adjust accordingly just to make ourselves feel a tad better. Then we start waiting again, this time attempting to stay away from the trap of having too much expectations and just hope that things will be better the next time around. But changing paradigm sometimes becomes problematic.

Indeed it is relieving to be thinking positively and end it there. 'Something good could come my way.' However, the fact that it remains intangible and futuristic makes paradigm shifting one hell of a job. We just go back to where it all started, the crisis of having to wait for the good- getting into our second or even third choice school. Hoping helps us get through some terrible, or even traumatic, experience. So it helps, but we still can't deny the fact that we remain vulnerable. As we struggle with the questions 'Do I make it? Do I not? Am I good enough? Am I?' we are driven closer and closer to the brink of insanity. We continuously wait, hoping this time, it's not in vain.

In the end, only until something real, tangible and in-your-face happens can we stop hoping. We just stare at the prospectuses we have collected and kept in our shelves as we whisper to ourselves, 'I made it'.

Only until the prospect becomes actual can we truly begin to feel really good. Now, we won't be at fault for beginning to think of all the wonderful possibilities of exploring another facet of the world, gaining independence (and bragging rights), and breaking free.

Because only when we experience the goodness itself can we truly think, feel, and say that it IS the good thing. We are now to live the reality of a life that was once lived only through the stack of prospectuses.

Overdose

Yesterday was one of the longest days I've had in months. Started out in Ateneo at 1030. Left for Cardinal at 1145. Got there at 1215. First ENT. Left at 130 for St. Luke's. Arrived at 2 for ortho appointment. 30 minutes late. Take note that lunch is missing. Ended at 245. Went to the second ENT supposedly only to get my vitamins. Extended until 4. Long, tedious wait. At long last, lunch before leaving the hospital. Burger King. 2-pc. BK Beef Steak, Large Onion Rings, Large Apple Juice. Got only half-full. (Fully Booked! I must get there!) Traveled to Makati for an hour until 5. Met with the agent for 45 minutes. I am running out of time! Finally, a quick journey to PowerPlant. Fully Booked. The day ended at 730. Then came the 3-hour ride to Lucena. 1045, home. I missed PI eliminations. Tired. Dead tired.

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For the many visits I've made to my ENT, it was not until yesterday that I got to ask, what food can't I eat to not make things worse? I shouldn't have asked. Crap. Peanuts, chocolates, and even eggs. I have not eaten chocolates in a while. From time to time, I would love to indulge. But how could I possibly enjoy knowing that every bite could aggravate the situation? And egg? It's not a part of my everyday diet but I do eat it often. Poached, sunny-side-up, scrambled. Now, I couldn't possible enjoy it as well. Damn. Ignorance is bliss, indeed. This kind of medication is killer medication. Worse, medicines don't make good substitutes for chocolates and eggs. Not only do they taste bad, they also cause overdose.

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Applications are nice to look at when they're almost done. A sense of relief, a sense of excitement. A sense of worry, a sense of confusion. A sense of mixed emotions. You still go over the already completed sections every time you fill out the rest of the application. Paranoia sits pretty in your head. Annoying but uncontrollable. Slave we become!

[Submit]

Waiting is a time for agony. The most agonizing for many. Times become gloomy. It becomes pitch dark when you get rejected. But, oh so heavenly, when the good news comes in by the mail. We could only wait. I could only wait. If only we could evade the process. Just like how people run away from commitments. And responsibilities. And sadness. And the many other things.

But we can't. Just like on drugs, we become addicted to waiting. The thrill and the worries run in our veins the whole freakin time. We don't stop thinking. We get paranoid again. I'll make it. No, I'll fail. I don't think I'll make it. Wait, I must be there. But I won't be! What if they don't like it. What if they don't like me. What if, what if, what if!

Just like when too much medicine is taken, we become overdosed.

It just has to stop.

"Cheers!"

Here's to hoping things finally turn out right.

*Throws Holy Kettle Corn popcorn in his mouth*

I just couldn't bear any more delays, cancelations, failures.