Prospectus v2.0

The recent columns of Michael Tan, I suppose, have opened the eyes of many students, current or otherwise, to the wonderful and exciting possibilities of pursuing studies abroad. Many of us just looove hearing about a friend of a friend or our friend per se who attends or has attended Harvard, Stanford, Yale, OxBridge, or another of the highest ranking schools in the world. We're wowed by these people and the idea of being there ourselves just sometimes plays with our minds. The rankings, which just came out a couple of weeks ago, might have even helped and caused us to start pinpointing and telling ourselves, 'I want to study here, here, or here!' Well, who wouldn't? The idea of breaking free from the seemingly hopeless case of the country, receiving a scholarship, getting exposed to a new and different culture, being independent, and/or gaining the bragging rights for being there ourselves is just so hard to resist. One day, we tell ourselves, 'I'll be there'.

Right now, I already have a stack of about 15 prospectuses from UK and US universities. I could only shrug at the thought of attending any of these outstanding universities. For one, my grades are not competitive enough to give me a high chance of getting in. Just take a look: UCLA, UC-Berkeley, University of Chicago, University College London and London School of Economics to name some. It would be foolish to convince myself that I could make it. Actually before, I did. My pompous self allowed it. To be honest, my credentials are not poor, but they're barely enough and 'enough' most of the time isn't even, well, enough. (Some who are highly qualified don't even make the cut.) Even for some schools, I don't see my GPA meeting the 25th percentile GPA of their accepted applicants. If I were still in school, I would be either a D or an F student. Barely getting by, or even failing altogether.

Anyway, I shouldn't even begin to attempt to fly to Neverland where everything is but beautiful and perfect. After all, what I have are mere prospectuses. From the word prospect. As a prospective student, I rationalize, analyze and wonder about the possibilities of attending one of those universities, which doesn't even come close to translating to ACTUALLY attending it. The stack doesn't tell you anything. Maybe it does, but it couldn't be anything significant. It only tells you that I have the luxury of time to look for the good schools on the net, request for a copy of their prospectus and click the 'send' button countless times. Voila! The prospectuses are right at my doorstep. I decide whether to apply or not. The prospectuses of the top schools tell me, apply at your own risk. In Filipino, pakapalan na ng apog.

So we send out our applications. The whole idea of leaving, of studying abroad is exciting but along with the excitement comes a crisis: the horrendous experience of waiting. Time unfolding just gets the best of us. Within that period of waiting are the chances to rethink our plans, explore other options, and unfortunately sometimes, divert to something new. Whether or not we change our mind somewhere along the way about where we want to go (and even what we want to do), we are still in that phase of daydreaming. But we shouldn't even forget that daydreaming could be a ridiculous activity. Free it is, indeed, yet oftentimes, it only becomes the painful dictation of what we wish to fulfill. (Good for you if that's not the case.) Personal experiences have taught me that. As we daydream about what may lie ahead of us, it is most difficult once we find ourselves holding on to something despite the many uncertainties that go with it. Daydreaming only creates victims among us and its effects depend on how much time we spend doing it. The more fixated we become on the thing, the more difficult it is to detach ourselves from it. The best thing we can do is hope.

But hoping is futile if in the end, prospects don't actualize- if they remain prospects, hopes, or dreams. Hoping, I believe, could be either of the two things: that which tells us something good (or better) COULD come our way, keeping us hopeful; and that which tells us that something good WILL come our way, fooling us into believing that hoping and expecting are one and the same. Many times, we fall into that trap of being fooled. We 'hope' so much without realizing the pain it could bring. The moment a rejection letter from our dream school reaches our mailbox, our dreams come crashing down. We try to look at things differently and adjust accordingly just to make ourselves feel a tad better. Then we start waiting again, this time attempting to stay away from the trap of having too much expectations and just hope that things will be better the next time around. But changing paradigm sometimes becomes problematic.

Indeed it is relieving to be thinking positively and end it there. 'Something good could come my way.' However, the fact that it remains intangible and futuristic makes paradigm shifting one hell of a job. We just go back to where it all started, the crisis of having to wait for the good- getting into our second or even third choice school. Hoping helps us get through some terrible, or even traumatic, experience. So it helps, but we still can't deny the fact that we remain vulnerable. As we struggle with the questions 'Do I make it? Do I not? Am I good enough? Am I?' we are driven closer and closer to the brink of insanity. We continuously wait, hoping this time, it's not in vain.

In the end, only until something real, tangible and in-your-face happens can we stop hoping. We just stare at the prospectuses we have collected and kept in our shelves as we whisper to ourselves, 'I made it'.

Only until the prospect becomes actual can we truly begin to feel really good. Now, we won't be at fault for beginning to think of all the wonderful possibilities of exploring another facet of the world, gaining independence (and bragging rights), and breaking free.

Because only when we experience the goodness itself can we truly think, feel, and say that it IS the good thing. We are now to live the reality of a life that was once lived only through the stack of prospectuses.