Save me, Feed me, Cable TV.

The prospect of settling in UK, in London, will always be promising, exciting, lovely. BUT. Given that I'm already pursuing further studies in the US, therefore the prospect of studying and even settling, less, I realized one thing.: I don't really have to live the rest of my life there. A yearly visit to satisfy my craving for live football action would suffice. Forget about becoming a season ticket-holder. Not only does that empty pockets, it also ruins work focus.

As long as I get cable TV that airs football matches live of Chelsea, Arsenal, Real Madrid, Celtic and some selected from ManU, Villa and Liverpool, then I shall be fine.

Deadlines

At the moment, Sugarfree is playing on the background. Then Sponge Cola will follow. Trying to enjoy some OPM alternative music. It's the only genre in Filipino music that's worth appreciating, at least for me. Well, apart from some ballads.

-------------------------------

My application essay was set to be done last Wednesday. But until now, today's Sunday, there's not even a single word. I must work on it tonight. Spare tomorrow for edition and revisions. (Paging Pau!) I'm setting Wednesday (again) for the submission of some parts of the application. I expect the recommendations to come by next week, although one of my chosen recommenders still hasn't agreed. Still waiting for his reply.

Apart from that, I'm setting tomorrow as the deadline for documents required for my I-20, which in turn I need for my F-1. Mail them the same day or Tuesday then wait. I somehow feel pressed for time. The process could take some time, not to forget that denials could also add to the long wait.

Applications are fun to work on. They're such an exciting, nevertheless scary, process.

---------------------------------

Now listening to AI performances and I just heard again Chris Daughtry singin "I Dare You" While that was the performance that got Simon commenting that he sounded like stretching his vocals to the limit, I still thought he sounded good and deserved to be in the top 2, him and Katharine. Kath's just smoooth.

Philippine Idol's failure deserves a friggin post. Maybe later. (Tonight's the new performance night.) Or when I'm done with the essay!!!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

WORLD'S TOP TEN:
1. Harvard University, USA
2. University of Cambridge, UK
3. University of Oxford, UK
4/5. Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Yale University, USA
6. Stanford University, USA
7. California Institute of Technology, USA
8. University of California Berkeley, USA
9. Imperial College London, UK
10. Princeton University, USA

ASIA'S TOP TEN:
14. Peking University, China
19. University of Tokyo, Japan
19. National University of Singapore, Singapore
28. Tsing Hua University, China
29. Kyoto University, Japan
33. University of Hong Kong, Hong Kong
50. Chinese University of Hong Kong, Hong Kong
57. Indian Institute of Technology, India
58. Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, Hong Kong
61. Nanyang Technological University, Singapore

PHILIPPINE RANKINGS:
299. University of the Philippines
392. De La Salle University
484. Ateneo de Manila University
500. University of Santo Tomas

Below is the methodology used in identifying the top universities worldwide:

1. Peer review of 3703 research-active academics worldwide, asked to identify up to 30 universities in the world best for research within their own field of expertise.
2. Recruiter review of over 736 graduate employers, from regions of the world.
3. Ratio of international faculty to total faculty.
4. Ratio of international students to total students.
5. Ratio of total students to total faculty.

The THES applied weightings to each of these factors to create an overall ranking, which has seen some significant movements in the Top 200 university places since the 2005/6 research.

Nasesenti

This song got me senti. If I Believe by P. Austin

If I believed in paradise, I'd swear I must be there
I'd swear I must be there right now with you
If I believed in miracles, I'd know that one was happening to me
But if I don't believe in paradise
Then miracles aren't real
Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
But with you I can't deny
If I believed in paradise
I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells, It all would be so clear
'Cause magic spells must have brought you here
If I could see the future, I'd see if you and I were meant to be
But I dont know any magic
And tomorrow's just a dream
But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
But with you I cant deny
If I believed in paradise
I'd swear I'm there

I'm there
I'm there
If I believed.

In Defense of Cannibalism

For the second time, I am posting a closing statement delivered by the fictional Allen Shore from Boston Legal. This time defending desecration of the human body and... cannibalism. Cremation without the permission of any member of the family is more acceptable. (The persons was homeless and wouldve ended up decomposing somewhere. The defendant was his best friend, his only friend.) But canibalism? At first thought, it seems impossible to defend cannibalism for all its ethical and social blunder. That it seems there is no way cannibalism could be justified, at least philosophically. However, when juxtaposed alongside rationally permissible reasons which could only be understood through a thorough study and consideration of matters, then perhaps one could find himself out of indictment.

District Attorney: ...if we've reached the day where burning the remains of a body and cannibalism doesn't offend then I guess life has no sanctity at all, does it? No dignity. Please deliver a verdict that says there is sanctity not just to the life of a human being, but also the death.

To save the defendant from being put behind bars, this is what Shore delivered:

A billion and a half Christians routinely go to Church every Sunday and ceremoniously eat the body of Christ, drinks His blood... Let's not carry on with the idea that the notion of cannibalism offends the sanctity of life. It has roots not only in sacraments but also Greek mythology. It's still glorified in certain sections of both the south and I believe, Malibu. And I might add, it's not illegal. There's no federal law, no Massachuessetts law that criminalizes cannibalism. That's why Mr. District-Attorney-my-name-appears- second-on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg has trumped up these other charges, desecration and so forth and lectured you on dignity and sanctity. There is no dignity in starving death. When a homeless person is left to rot on a slab, the sanctitiy of life somehow gets trivialized. Mr. District-Attorney-my-name-appears-second- on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg wants you to be offended. You know what offends me? We have in this country over a million homeless people. The government can't feed them, cant give them shelter, but hey let's spend $60-70,000 to prosecute one who tried to stave off death. Let's spend another $45,000 a year to imprison him. There's no dignity on that. It's cruel. Mr. Nichols was cremating his friend to prevent the indignity of the unceremonious and degrading decomposition of his body. As for why he ate, he told you. He was starving. (Looks at one of the members of the jury) When was the last time you starved? (Then at another) How about you? (Looks at the DA) I know you're not starving except for attention. Let's face it. The only reason we're all here is because canibalism makes for good television. What better to satiate some pre-election hunger pangs than a belly full of media attention. Mr. District-Attorney-my-name- appears-second-on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg knows that. That's why he's handling this case personally. Not only does it give him a sensational platform for his shameless self-promotion, it also fits his notion of society. That's its not about understanding the homeless. It's about prosecuting. Kinda makes you wonder, who here is really the cannibal?

3 kritisismo

sabi ng marami, mas masarap magmura sa tagalog. palibhasa yun ang kinasanayan at kinalakhan. andun ang koneksiyon ng wika sa sarili. kaya nga kahit gano pa kalutong ang pagsabi mo ng fuck o ng shit, wala pa ring katulad ang isang malutong na putangina. wag mag alala sapagkat ang entry-ng ito ay hindi ko pupunuin ng mura. may ipinupunto ako. marami na kasi akong gustong punahin. naisip ko mas masarap pumuna sa tagalog. lalo na yung mga bagay na nakakapeste. nakakalintik.

(1) una, ang mga taong labo. hindi mga taong malalabo ang mata. pero pwede rin. subalit higit pa ron, ang mga taong labo ay yung mga MALALABO. hindi mo alam kung pano mag-isip. hindi mo alam kung pano tumatakbo ang utak. sa isang sandali, mabait. sa kasunod, akala mo nireregla. di mo makausap ng matino at kung ano ano ang pinagpuputak ng bibig. kulang nalang e irecord niya ang sinasabi niya at paulit ulit na patugtugin para sa buong araw na pakikinig ng ibang tao. lintek. ang mas masama pa non kung hindi mo rin maintindihan kung ano ang ipinagpupuputak. nagagalit sa napakalabong at napakagulong kadahilanan. ganito, ganyan, bakit ganito, bakit ganyan, ano ba naman to blah blah blah blah blah. ah, hindi lang sila mga taong labo. mga taong BLAH din. tapos parang inaasahan nila na ang lahat ng tao ay kapareho niya dapat mag-isip. kung hindi, lintik nalang ang walang ganti. dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. puta, di naman pwede mangyari yun. kung mangyari man at bigla kang nagkamali, magugulo na naman. panibagong dapat ganito, ganyan na naman. hayayay. at eto pa, malabo na nga ang pinagsasasabi, paulit ulit pa. akala mo ba'y tanga ang kausap na kailangan pa paulit-ulitin. nakakairita. kung pwede lang, pasakan mo na ng twalya ang bunganga matahimik lang. pati mood mo nasisira sa kaka-ngyaw-ngyaw.

(2) isa pang nakakairita ang mga taong cutesy-patutesy. isang clue lang ang kailangan mo para mahuli ang mga taong ito. basahin mo ang mga text message nila sa ibang tao at hanapin ang salitang ME, as in AKO. Binggo. Ayan na sa harap mo ang cutesy-patutesy people. ang hindi ko maintindihan sa mga taong ito ay kung bakit kailangan pa nila gumamit ng ME, kung pwede namang KO. PAREHONG 2 LETTERS YUN!!! okay lang sana kung nag-eenglish pagtetext e. tipong, give ME this, lend ME that. wag naman bigyan mo ME o pahiram ME. lintek talaga. nakakainis. kung pwede lang, kung mageenglish ka lang din naman, e ituloy mo na. wag kang magtipid at gagamitin lang ang ME. kung tagalog naman, please lang, diretsong tagalog na. kung iniisip mong cute ka pakinggan, leche, hinde! nagmumukha kang jologs, kung hindi ka pa kabilang nila.

anong pakelam ko? onga naman, di naman ako ang nagmumukhang tanga sa kakaME niyo.

(3) panghuli. mashadong malalim ang buhay para paikutan ng mga chismis. napaka-fucking-raming pwedeng pag usapan na di hamak na mas matino kesa sa mga chismis na napupulot mo sa tabi tabi. halimbawa, si ganito ganyan nabuntis ng shota. e 21 palang siya. kung alam ko lang, kung sang kanto lang napulot ni babae si lalaki. o nagkapulutan lang sila sa isang madilim na kanto. nalibugan at iyon, nagdalihan. pathetic. mga walang magawa sa buhay. buti kamo kung kaya bigyan ng magandang buhay ang anak. at buti kamo kung kaya na sustentuhan. mahiya naman kayo sa mga magulang niyo. o kaya naman, si ganito ganyan, bumagsak sa school o tumigil. walang kaso kung tumigil dahil mahirap o kapos sa pera. pero yun tumigil dahil ayaw na nila mag-aral? langya. good luck nalang sa mga buhay niyo. marami kayong mahahanap na trabaho. madali ang pera niyan. magpakaputa lang kayo, tapos na! kung hindi naman mga personal na buhay ang pinagchichismisan, mga buhay ng walang kakwenta kwentang mga artista. unang una, mga artista lang yan. karamihan pa sa kanila, mga walang pinag aralan. mga aaanga-anga. well, kung sabagay nga naman, kung ganon, e di madali rin gumawa ng adventure para sa kanila. mga sikat pa naman sila. madaling pag usapan. ang mga taong ito naman, nahuhumaling. natutuwa sa walang katapusang kwento ng pagsasamahan, paghihiwalayan, pag-aanakan, pagdedemandahan, paglolokohan at kung ano ano pang kalokohan. susko, maawa naman kayo at mahiya sa mga sarili niyo.

A Call for Professionalism v2.0: When People Get Downright Bitchy

A couple of months ago, I hired the services of a company called International Education Specialists (Inter-Ed) to work on my applications for foreign studies in the UK. At first everything was going well until things didnt turn out right. They got me an offer from a prestigious university but I missed the opportunity of going because of my parents' late decision to not let me go. They wanted me to go to US instead. So I informed Inter-Ed. However, as a person who wants to do a lot of things, finalizing the course I want to pursue became very difficult for me that my decision changed twice. But there was no processing of papers on their part. They only had to bear with the couple of emails I sent them to inform them of my change in course. So I don't think it was so bad. Annoying and laughable but not so bad. However, the lady, the boss, who I was corresponding with still seemed to be hung over from my inability to go to UK. So most of her subsequent replies to my mails were downright rude, insulting and unprofessional, perhaps fearing for herself that after processing papers or giving me another offer, I'll change my mind again, rendering their efforts futile. The last one being, "Oh please, you're a graduate student. Not high school. Act like one!"

It's such a shame that she's the boss of their company. Someone so unprofessional treats her fickle clients like that. She must work on her manners. She's educated and all but perhaps she was absent during those days when vaues and manners were being taught in class. In an attempt to respond to her utterly rude response, this is what I ended up with:

Ma'am, again, I understand your impatience. But for one, I don't think I could be blamed completely for this. I know this conversation wouldn't be happening had I gone to UK. But I didn't. And it seems you're still hung over what happened that for every decision I made after that incident, you already seemed to be worried that I will change my mind again. Understandable. And for that, you fear that you might have to work on it again then in the end I would render your efforts futile. Again, understandable. I know that for you, this is already an extreme case of fickleness... and in your words, so high school. But for me, it's not. It's beyond that. I don't decide simply because I fancy one over the other at a particular moment. Nor am I immature enough to decide on something. Having to decide which one to pursue is a very difficult task for me and when you ask me to just make up my mind, you don't understand that you're asking for something big. I am a person who wants to achieve so many things and every field I seemed to have considered is really something I wanted to do at least for some time in the past. I didn't expect for this to happen. If having to listen to me change my decision so many times is tough for you, that difficulty doesn't compare to the difficulty I had to go through every single time for the past 5 months or so. At least, I believe I deserved some understanding and consideration for that.

For someone who has been in this business for such a long time, I was at least hoping you to be more professional, more lenient, and more forgiving. But your tone and manner of responding (the incessant use of bolding, underlining and most especially !!!) prove otherwise and it's frustrating. I am the client, admittedly a fickle one. However, I was hoping this matter would be handled in a much better and more acceptable manner. With more patience. I truly don't appreciate being treated this way. My fickleness and the way I have been corresponding may have been high school type but responding the same way is stooping to that level of high school-ness. While I may have changed my tone before, I don't think that it warranted the same tone from you. After all, we both know you're a professional. Please don't prove me wrong.

Graey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy is on its third season and the episodes just keep getting better. I know many people who are hooked to House M.D. instead of this, probably because this one could just get overly dramatic at time. Most of the time, just plain dramatic. Really, I am in no position to compare the 2 shows. The most I've seen of House was perhaps 5-10 minutes of it. Despite the fact that many people prefer it over Grey's, I still choose the latter. I may be a fan of drama, rather than just pure (hospital) action. But I guess, admiration for the show is more than just its drama.

The show is called Grey's Anatomy; and there's a book called Gray's Anatomy, which is the complete compilation of information regarding human anatomy. I believe, it's the doctors' bible. What does it have to do with the show? Well, the book provides every bit of information there is to know about humans, at least anatomically. It features every single bit of nerve, valve, and bones there is in a human body. It studies human beings. In the same, although abstract, way, the show finds delight on 'dissecting' human life through one's experiences, joys, miseries, complications, troubles, griefs, instincts, births and even deaths. Every week, the writers delve into a particular human experience and provides a reflection of how that particular experience affects one's thoughts, deeds and words, his relation with people and his relation with himself.


More than just the drama, the show reminds us and sometimes teaches us the meaning of life. And life isn't always about having fun. Life is an experience full of grim. For that reason, life deserves some reflection. More than just detailing out the technicalities of the human science, more than cutting open the chest of a patient or fixing his face or separating two individuals who got stuck while copulating, and more than just saving lives, apparently, life is also about sadness. Surprises. Worries. Frustration. Desperation. Depression. Grief. Agony... And hope.

We are subdued by life's big dramas.

Cheers for A Great Friend!

A shining moment for my ever great and reliable friend Belai. You know I'm so proud o'ya!

That reads: Guillermo, Annabelle, Philippines, AAAAa, Economics, UCL.

Belai attended Bellerbys College, one of the finest college prep schools in England. The school produces an excellent batch of incoming college students every year. They go to Cambridge, Oxford, University College London, London School of Economics, King's College London, University of Nottingham, University of Manchester and University of Bristol, just to name some.

Belai's ranked number 5 and the only one from the Philippines. (But wait where's her sister? She also did great. She's attending Oxford. Smart asses.) She's one of the closest friends I've made in college; one of the few great ones, I must say. Trustworthy, reliable, and... both. Her unfaltering belief in me makes her an even better friend. (Of course!) By the way, she's also becoming more and more interesting with her UK adventures. *wink* Tell me more about it when we meet again, online or otherwise!

You wanna be in this blog, too? Dream, Believe, Survive. (Mwahaha!)

Crash

No. This isn't a film review of the movie Crash, what I think is the American 'Jologs'. (But it's a nice movie. You go see it yourself.) Rather this is about the dream I've been having.

In the past, I didn't really mind the occasional surges of dreams I had. Occasional, because probably 90% of the time, I had dreamless nights. Make it 70, for those nights where I did dream about something but come waking up, I couldn't remember a thing. But last night, it was brought to my attention that I have been having recurring dreams. So it happened twice or thrice before but I didn't pay enough attention to it. (Weird, ain't it? I know I'm supposed to be aware that it WAS a recurring dream the second time I had it.) I thought it was just nothing. However, when I dreamt about it again last night, the first thing I thought when I woke up was, this must mean something.

Okay, so I was never really a fan of dream interpretation. I thought they were only a hobby for people who don't have better things to do. You know, just like the shitty manghuhulas on TV. Before, I would've thought that whatever they said was rubbish. Just plain meaningless. Yet when I looked for the meaning of this recurring dream, I realized the joke was on me. The interpretation was rather timely and...sensible. Quite true if someone were to look at the situation I'm in.

Fine, I've stalled long enough. This is the recurring dream: I'm just standing at one spot, looking up in the sky, staring at the huge plane a thousand miles above me. But as I continously gaze at it, it just descends, quite quickly. It goes down, down and further down until it finally crashes on to something near me. For every single time I've had the dream, the only different thing was the setting. If I remember it right, the first time I had the dream, I was in an airport. To be precise, I was in a hangar. (Remember that part of the video of the Backstreetboys? I Want It That Way? Yes, that one.) In my dream, I saw the plane crash and explode in front of me. Of course, I stood a bit far from where it crashed. So far yet still so close.

The second time, it was basically the same. Only this time, the setting was in a school. In my high school to be exact. The mouth of the plane first touched the roof of the building until it finally crashed, its parts flying everywhere. Oh, it was less explosive though. Hmm, thinking about it, I'm not sure now whether this was really the second time I had the dream or the first one, and the one above, the second time. Either way, doesn't matter. Finally, the one last night. I was standing on the road. The details are blurry. Couldn't remember whether there was a traffic jam, and I was just on the side, watching and waiting for the plane to crash. The plane comes crushing down again. I felt the heavy impact it made; I just feared for myself. Maybe that's what triggered me to finally look for the meaning of this dream.

Among the many interpretations given by several sites I consulted, this one was the clearest, nevertheless still similar, interpretation:

To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

WOW. Talk about timeliness, completeness and accuracy.

Drooling over shirts

I've been dying to get Chelsea kits. I hate it that Adidas doesn't sell it here. Crapness. I really don't have much to say about this except that I'm dying to have them. Just look:

This polo shirt looks very clean. It's worth £23.
To be exact, it's at £22.99. I say not bad.

Then this is Chelsea's home kit. Their away kit's in white.
Doesn't feel as Chelsea-ish as this one. Blue is our colour!
Costs around £30

SWEEEEEETTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Euphoria!

The best moment of my day, week and month came in at around 6-ish tonight through email. The first five words my eyes read were enough to put me at my most euphoric state in years: Application Decision, Dear Adriaan, Congratulations.

I. Feel. Fucking. Good.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

Prospectus

Right now, I already have a stack of prospectuses from UK and US universities. About 5 more came by the mail today. I could only shrug at the thought of attending any of these outstanding universities. For one, my grades are not competitive enough to give me a high chance of getting in. Just take a look at some of them: Georgetown, UCLA, Berkeley, UCL and LSE. It would be foolish to convince myself that I could make it. Actually before, I did. My pompous self allowed it. My credentials are not poor to be honest, but they're barely enough and 'enough' most of the time isn't even, well, enough. If I were still in school, I would be a D student. Passing but still not quite.

Anyway, I shouldn't even begin to attempt to fly to Neverland where everything is but beautiful and perfect. After all, what I have are mere prospectuses. From the word prospect. As a prospective student, I rationalize, analyze and wonder about the possibilities of attending one of those universities, which doesn't even come close to translating to ACTUALLY attending it. The stack doesn't tell you anything. Or maybe it does but it couldn't be anything significant. It only tells you that I have the luxury of time surfing the web, looking for the good schools and clicking 'send' buttons countless times and voila, the prospectuses are right at my doorstep.

The whole idea of leaving, of studying abroad is exciting but along with the excitement comes the horrendous experience of waiting. Time unfolding just gets the best of us. Within that period of waiting are the chances to rethink about our plans, explore other options, and unfortunately sometimes, divert to something new. Whether or not we change our mind somewhere along the way about where we want to go, we are still in that stage of daydreaming. But we shouldn't even forget that it could be a ridiculous activity. Free it is, indeed, yet oftentimes, it only becomes the painful dictation of what we wish to fulfill. (Good for you if it's not the case.) Personal experiences have taught me that. It is most difficult once we find ourselves hinging on a specific thing, no matter how bright the prospect of it seems to be. Daydreaming only creates victims among us and its effects depend on the how much time we spend doing it. The more fixated we become, the more difficult it is to detach ourselves from it. The best thing we can do is hope.

Yet hoping is futile if in the end, prospects don't actualize. If they remain prospects, hopes, or dreams. Hoping, I believe, could be either of the two things: that which tells us something good (or better) COULD come our way, keeping us hopeful; and that which tells us that something good WILL come our way, fooling us that hoping and expecting are one and the same. Many times, we fall into that trap of being fooled. We hope so much without realizing the pain it could bring. The moment everything comes crushing down, we just resort to paradigm shifting. We try to look at things differently and adjust accordingly, just to make ourselves feel a tad better. But the process itself becomes problematic. Many times, we attempt to change our thinking. We move from the second trap to the first one.

Indeed it is relieving to be thinking positively and end it there. Something good could come my way. However, the fact that it remains intangible and futuristic makes paradigm shifting one hell of a job. We just go back to where it all started, the first crisis, the waiting for the good. Hoping makes us feel better about some terrible, even traumatic, experience. So it helps, but we still couldn't deny the fact that we remain vulnerable. It is all in the mind and what is in the mind could drive us crazy as we become exposed to present and forthcoming experiences. We continuously wait, many times in vain.

In the end, only until something real, tangible and in-your-face happens could we stop hoping. Only until the prospect becomes actual could we truly begin to feel really good. Because it is only when we experience the goodness itself could we truly think, feel, and say that it IS the good thing.

(un)certainties

Until several months ago, if I were to be asked the philosophical question of who I am, I couldn't even begin to think of a good, concrete answer that would really identify me. By 'identify', I mean a characteristic that would set me apart from the rest. Perhaps I would've said, a grade-conscious Atenean, a spender, a fan of Accounting and Finance, a regular of the library and the cafeteria and the other mundane things one could possibly come up with. But certainly, these are things you so could easily find in other people (except for the Accounting and Finance part). I wouldn't even be able to tell the things I'm passionate about because back then, there was none. My life was a dull routine. Wake up, go to school, study, eat, study, eat then on weekends, go out, eat, shop and eat.

But now, I suppose, I know myself more than I did before. Six months was what it took for me to separate myself from MYSELF and look at ME from the outside. At the moment, I feel like I can already pinpoint to the more personal things that would make me ME as opposed to the gray blurry portrait of myself in the past. The first 2 Philosophy classes I had in the Ateneo seemed to have had an effect on me, on the matters of self-exploration, -reflection, and -discovery (and perhaps even those of other Beings. Lovely Philo shite.)

Pardon me, but I couldn't escape from mentioning the sport. Right, football. This forms a huge chunk of that recent self-discovery. Five to ten years ago, I was an MTV junkie- didn't care about the world, more so about sports. But that junkiness didn't require a constant following like football fanaticism (or is it obsession?) does now. All it asked for was to sit on the couch like a couch potato, glue my eyes on the TV and that was it; it didn't solicit as much effort as the sport does now. MTV didn't require educating one's self, unless of course he is a die-hard celeb fan (who follows the lives of his idols from their time of birth until at present) or he doesn't know how to speak/read. Football does. The formations, the positions of players, pre- and post-match analyses et cetera. 99% of the time, when you catch me on messenger, my status would read FOOTBALL; the remaining 1% is accounted for by occasional emo outbursts.

From the top of my head, I am...:
1. ...a footie fanatic. I just have never been as passionate with anything as I am with this; friends I often talk to should be a witness to this. Seriously. (As I always joke to a friend, 'Thinking football? Think Kervin.')
2. ...a person who just loves, loves, loves spending on books, food and clothes.
3. ...a person who dreams of reaching places only he could reach through travel books (which I have none, by the way.)
4. ...a person who doesn't really care what sort of job he lands, as long as it's not in the Philippines and more importantly, it requires leaving or traveling (preferrably, it's got something to do with the sport).
5. ...a person who appreciates almost every other genre of music; nobody in my family appreciates as many genres as I do.
6. ...a person who seems SOMEHOW capable of putting money matters aside, in favor of a more noble purpose (...that travels). Nevertheless I still dream of getting rich (and acquiring my own FC).
7. ...a person who doesn't mind spending so much (financially) on something as long as it's not an imitation, of poor quality and design. I. just. hate. fakes.
8. ...a person who is so much different from his siblings and parents yet is also so similar in some ways.

9. ...(finally, I think) a person who wants to do so many things (and believes he is capable of doing any of those) that deciding on a specific path is almost an impossible task. I can only be certain of this uncertain future attached to my self.

Despite the unsolicited proclamation of self-identity, which I believe only screams two things (football and traveling), it is amazing to think that my uncertain future could only open up to endless possibilities of wonderful opportunities for self-realization and discovery, all of which would only add to the list above of 'self-certainties'.

Limang-Dipang-Tao

Church traffic is just like traffic on the roads. Or is it the other way around?

When on the road, you just love to hate people who drive with uber slowness as if they're sightseeing on the humongous billboards ornamenting the whole stretch of EDSA-Guadalupe. (We should thank Milenyo that many of those boards are now gone, opening us up to a better view of the hopeful polluted Manila sky.) Also, there are those who look like they're rushing to the ER, which is still a good (or bad?) 100 miles from where they are, finding the need to counterflow and HONK!!! HONK!!! or overtake faster than the speed of light, then HONK!!! HONK!!! HONK!!!. Then at times you get so fucking relieved to finally be out of a bumper-to-bumper situation, only to realize that the joke is on you again after seeing that the traffic was just caused by either of these stupid things: a vehicle (and pray it's not a bus!!!) breaking down in the middle of the road, egotistic maniacs parking so wrongly on either side of the road, making passage one hell of a job for many or two vehicles smashing against each other (pray again neither is a bus!!!) because either of the two drivers is so fucking stupid or both of them just plainly pathetically are. You just couldn't be any happier to come across NORMAL drivers who seem to share the same sentiments about the same kinds of people, therefore, drive the way that's agreeable to you. If only you could roll down your window and say 'Thank You' to them, releasing that much needed sigh of relief.

Then, notice the different ways people go in and out of the church. They're a complete replica of the vehicular traffic in Manila. As the final song plays and people start to go out in long distorted lines of God-knows-how-many, you would encounter churchgoers of different types: from the most cooperative, walking in the same pace and direction as you do, or at least in the way they should be walking, minding that there are people behind them who are also trying to find a (good) seat; to the most annoying, walking like they're on a procession or flores de mayo, not mindful of the people behind them and thinking that walking a tad faster would ruin their gowns worth not much, hair of 10 layers of gel and make-up courtesy of Viveka Vavaji's Beauty Parlor. There are also those who habitually turn the patio into the chismis nook of their sleazy barkada, with the end of the mass merely the time for meeting, forgetting that they're blocking the way of many more worthy and important people, who have a more worthy and important place to be at. The likes of these people are the ones causing the ridiculously heavy traffic on the road.

And they make going to the church as unlikeable as it is to drive along EDSA... ANYTIME.

Coffee Beans

It always becomes a funny situation when you find yourself in Rustan's perfume area, or any other mall's for that matter. Agents would come running after you and say the exact same thing every single time, "Sir, (insert brand of perfume)? We have a new scent. Try niyo. Para sa inyo po ba? Eto oh." For some, it's a habit of snubbing these people. (Actually, sometimes they could get irritating.) But for some, including you, the temptation's just too hard to resist. You get pulled by these people to their spot to test almost every other scent of the brand available, on strips or on skin . For instance, it would be 3 separate strips for 3 different scents. (Be thankful if all 3 smell good. Otherwise, shoot the person.)

Then, the ass in you remembers the idea that these people chase after you just to have a sniff of their products. So you pretentiously say 'thank you' politely to the person and continue walking around. But you also remember that while you really don't have any intentions of buying, to make it appear that you do, and therefore, make them hope (and pitch!) even further, the ass asks for the price. Even the size variations. You compare then sniff again. Then leave.

Subsequently, the splurge of agents comes again. Three more strips and a spray to your left wrist. You leave, say thank you, and walk around. Sniff to the strip or to the wrist to pretend you thought the scent was incredible and that you're interested. You continue that till you turn to the left and you're greeted by another agent. "Sir, (insert brand of perfume)? We have a new scent. Try niyo. Para sa inyo po ba? Eto oh."

If you don't like the brand- well, some people say 'no, thank you' -you still do the same things. Ask how much and what sizes are available, and sniff, sniff. Spend 15 minutes and you'd be holding 10 different scents on strips and 5 more on your hand, with almost every sprayable area of it-left and right wrist, back of palm, already showered in perfume samples.

Sniffing 3 different, often strong, scents could already be irritating to the nose. You sniff more then it already becomes itchy. Nose needs some pinching, (don't pick it), to somehow return it to its normal senses. At the end, you realize that while embarking on the crazy adventure of misleading the agents and getting their hopes up, or to make it sound good, embarking on the journey of searching for that One Scent, could be heavenly, it could also be irritating and dizzying. And your only quick remedy, thankfully there is one, is a sniff of coffee beans.

The Law of Demand and Supply

Because of the typhoon, generators are selling like hot pancakes.

And stores are slowly running out of stock.

Impulsive Mistake?

I was supposed to be in Manila today to take the LSAT. But I'm not. I cancelled it several days ago after an extreme twisting and turning of events. I went from wanting to go to law school, which was precisely the reason why I signed up for the LSAT in the first place, to wanting to go to med school and finally, to choosing something which was never an option before. It's just mentally tiring to having to adjust and decide and adjust again to each of the option, especially when you thought that that was gonna be it. Scrolling down this page, you'd come across an entry entitled, "finally. at ease." Or something like that. It was the time when I thought I was settling for med. But then again, things always have a way of screwing things up. So now, I'm down to my last acceptable never-was-an-option-before option. I am compromising. If it means not having to feel guilty my whole life, then fine. Let's meet halfway through. Compromise. Something I'm not really very eager about but nevertheless acceptable. Anyway, I'm getting but a partial refund of what I had to pay. It's unfair but it seems to prove that indecisiveness indeed costs a lot. In numbers, that would be $76 + $16 for the reviewers. Or roughly about 4,600 bucks.

When I was consulting people about my dilemma, the consistently single answer I've gotten from them was, right, think about what I REALLY want. It sounds easy but.... when you want to do so many things and time (and money) are constricting all of these things, putting you on the spot of having to choose, it becomes difficult. Perhaps, people who know what they want to be at the onset are envious. They no longer have to suffer this long and tedious process of having to decide. They already know what they want. They're just waiting for that day when they will formally be a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, an engineer, an accountant or whatever. Their fates are sealed, have been, and so they're bound to follow that particular path.

But for people like me, it is such a major problem. Questions like 'what do you really want to be?" or "what do you love doing?" requires singling out that which stands out. Thing is, nothing stands out or it seems that no matter how hard you try thinking about that, either you just end up feeling sleepy and not finding an answer or you just flip a coin and make your call. Either of which don't help a single bit. They just aggravate the situation, slowly eating up your time, which you would rather freeze so it doesn't get wasted.

Slowly, I'm realizing it was a mistake that I didn't push through with the plan of having to shift to Bio when I got accepted in the Ateneo. If I did, by now I'd be halfway through my first year of med school and things could be going well. (I am such a bad decision maker. I am always deceived by things I think I want only to realize in the end it's not really what I want.) I used to defy to idea of regret. I thought it was pointless, waste of time, and ridiculous. We are responsible for our actions and every bit of decision we make must be the every bit of thing we want to be and do. But. Mistakes come along our way once or twice or many other times. They could be big or small mistakes. At one point, we would have both. I guess in my case, it was that decision that was the big mistake. While feeling regretful of that is pointless, that it's not gonna bring back the four years I've spent in college yaddah yaddah, it is still human. Sometimes, no matter how principled we seem to think we are, we can't avoid feeling bummed by the wrong decision we make and think about the what ifs. It doesn't help to bring things back, but it does help to put things into perspective. You think, you feel, you learn.

Grey's Anatomy's second episode for the season talks about impulses. There are things we can't control. Many times we wish we were able to control them; sometimes we're thankful we didn't or we just wish not to, at all. I wonder if all of this is pure impulse. A flight of fancy, a whim. Med, Law, and the third option. Sometimes, our impulses make us feel good about the decisions we make. But sometimes, they don't. They make us feel like shit. They play with our minds deceiving us into believing that that something is what we really want. The next thing we know, we fancy something else. Precisely my case. And yes, it is making me feel like shit.

Should I leave it up to a coin to decide for me? No matter how irrational the method seems? I guess amidst all this, the only thing I know is, I want to leave. I want to travel and neither med nor law allows much of that, not anytime soon, or both. Med might require me to stay here for the next 6 years or so of my life. (Going to US for med school would require me to spend a year PRIOR to MS to stduy sciences. Something about matching qualifications shit.) Law, on the other hand, is very contrained. I wish to travel to Europe and some other parts of the world. Given that the US is my only option for it, I don't think I'd even come close to fulfilling the dream of travelling. Therefore, could I be right in choosing neither of the two and just going for what wasnt an option before?

I've said this so many times and I'll say it again. Choosing this path requires me to take a risk. I'm not sure I could get into both programs. (If I don't, I'm damned.) And that's freaky. These are the 2 things that could define my future yet they're very much uncertain for me. The long period of waiting just unnecesarily allows me to be all to confident about making it. Most of the time, my confidence is a bad omen. The more confident I become, the more screwed up things get. The more pessimism I display, the more surprises come my way. Unfortunately, I'm on the confident side at the moment. It couldn't be good. I should start worrying. Paranoia usually is my savior.