Prospectus

Right now, I already have a stack of prospectuses from UK and US universities. About 5 more came by the mail today. I could only shrug at the thought of attending any of these outstanding universities. For one, my grades are not competitive enough to give me a high chance of getting in. Just take a look at some of them: Georgetown, UCLA, Berkeley, UCL and LSE. It would be foolish to convince myself that I could make it. Actually before, I did. My pompous self allowed it. My credentials are not poor to be honest, but they're barely enough and 'enough' most of the time isn't even, well, enough. If I were still in school, I would be a D student. Passing but still not quite.

Anyway, I shouldn't even begin to attempt to fly to Neverland where everything is but beautiful and perfect. After all, what I have are mere prospectuses. From the word prospect. As a prospective student, I rationalize, analyze and wonder about the possibilities of attending one of those universities, which doesn't even come close to translating to ACTUALLY attending it. The stack doesn't tell you anything. Or maybe it does but it couldn't be anything significant. It only tells you that I have the luxury of time surfing the web, looking for the good schools and clicking 'send' buttons countless times and voila, the prospectuses are right at my doorstep.

The whole idea of leaving, of studying abroad is exciting but along with the excitement comes the horrendous experience of waiting. Time unfolding just gets the best of us. Within that period of waiting are the chances to rethink about our plans, explore other options, and unfortunately sometimes, divert to something new. Whether or not we change our mind somewhere along the way about where we want to go, we are still in that stage of daydreaming. But we shouldn't even forget that it could be a ridiculous activity. Free it is, indeed, yet oftentimes, it only becomes the painful dictation of what we wish to fulfill. (Good for you if it's not the case.) Personal experiences have taught me that. It is most difficult once we find ourselves hinging on a specific thing, no matter how bright the prospect of it seems to be. Daydreaming only creates victims among us and its effects depend on the how much time we spend doing it. The more fixated we become, the more difficult it is to detach ourselves from it. The best thing we can do is hope.

Yet hoping is futile if in the end, prospects don't actualize. If they remain prospects, hopes, or dreams. Hoping, I believe, could be either of the two things: that which tells us something good (or better) COULD come our way, keeping us hopeful; and that which tells us that something good WILL come our way, fooling us that hoping and expecting are one and the same. Many times, we fall into that trap of being fooled. We hope so much without realizing the pain it could bring. The moment everything comes crushing down, we just resort to paradigm shifting. We try to look at things differently and adjust accordingly, just to make ourselves feel a tad better. But the process itself becomes problematic. Many times, we attempt to change our thinking. We move from the second trap to the first one.

Indeed it is relieving to be thinking positively and end it there. Something good could come my way. However, the fact that it remains intangible and futuristic makes paradigm shifting one hell of a job. We just go back to where it all started, the first crisis, the waiting for the good. Hoping makes us feel better about some terrible, even traumatic, experience. So it helps, but we still couldn't deny the fact that we remain vulnerable. It is all in the mind and what is in the mind could drive us crazy as we become exposed to present and forthcoming experiences. We continuously wait, many times in vain.

In the end, only until something real, tangible and in-your-face happens could we stop hoping. Only until the prospect becomes actual could we truly begin to feel really good. Because it is only when we experience the goodness itself could we truly think, feel, and say that it IS the good thing.