finally. at ease.

It would've been a better time to write about this last night, the night before, or any day within the last week when my mind was still heck disgruntled and confused as to which career path I want to follow. The experience was just excruciating. When you are considering two extremes, each with its attractive pros and disconcerting and disheartening cons, the thinking just couldn't get any worse. I wanted to be either a lawyer or a doctor. Both are high paying. Both I found to be very interesting. Yet one aspect of each option casts a doubt on myself. Questions like, 'Can I survive it?' or 'Will I succeed?' or 'Do I have the necessary skills?'- these are the things that scare me and worry me so much I really didn't have the strength to make up my mind so quickly. At one point or actually many points, I was partly wishing I could be both in a maximum of 5-6 years of studying because if I could, then I wouldn't even have to give the last ditch effort thinking about which one I'd rather take.

I guess in the end, it's not simply a matter of what your heart tells you because while your heart suggests you become a lawyer, you don't become a slave to that without even attempting to figure out why lawyering is the profession you want to have for the rest of your life. Asking WHY is always the most important. Figuring and sorting out your values make it much easier for you to weigh things out. While it becomes much easier, it still apparently isn't easy.

Momentary mental (and emotional) obstructions may still get in the way. The more intense your wanting for both is, the more frequent and intense those obstructions will be. While you thought you may have already decided on something, unexpectedly, you will get confused again because at that very moment, you just feel that your mind's playing tricks on you again convincing you that 'you' want the other option. So you go back to step one again, THINKING. For the next 2 nights or so, the same uncontributive reflections and questions would pop up and make deciding terribly difficult for you. Again. Soon you realize, the very single question you have been looking for to finally shed light onto the matter is just a three-letter word, why. And to say 'That's what I want' is unacceptable.

Thankfully, I found my answer to the why question. While lawyering and doctoring almost have the same end goal that I desire, it was more of my own personal reason that I finally was able to reach a decision. Yes, despite the odds and what-ifs and fears. It was a decision I am promising to myself to be wrapped with commitment. All I need, just like in the past, was for things to fall into place. Right now, I couldn't be more thankful that this is almost finally over. At least the biggest problem is over. Ahhh, I feel so fucking relieved I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

PS Last worry- house. Please, I need my own room, my own PC, my own.