How do we say goodbye?

If there was something I feared the most coming to Washington, DC, it wasn't that I won't make any friends or that I would be spending so much I'd exhaust all the money I had a month earlier than i was supposed to, or that I won't do well in my exams. Rather it was that it would be so hard saying goodbye to people. It couldn't get any truer.

I admitted to so many people a couple of days before I left that saying goodbye was my weakest spot. I even repeated it twice or thrice to a couple of them. I wasn't ashamed of admitting it, I thought it was normal. But I was ashamed of how much I wept on our last night. I could only thank the party on the roof and at Hawk 'N' Dove for distracting me for a moment from the sadness that had been clouding over me the whole... night. Even during the graduation and the packing, all I had in mind was, I was gonna say goodbye soon and that was it. Part of me was telling it would be difficult, but also part of me made me believe it was gonna be easy. It sucked that it had to be the former.

I came to DC with no expectations of being attached to people so much I would be affected so badly by the goodbyes. I knew at first leaving was gonna be difficult, after all that's what I feared most. But I didn't know it was gonna be THAT hard. I am not the most sociable person, that's what I've been telling people. So I didn't expect all of this. (It actually took me some time to be close and attached to the people I considered my really good friends towards the end of the program, especially that 7 of them was already a group when I started hanging out with them.) Add to that the fact that I am a very judgmental, picky person. I don't just make friends with people, let alone talk to them about anything. I can assure you that if you put me with at least 5 people from the program, we will have a conversation which will not last for 2 minutes. It's a matter of being comfortable. I'm glad to have been comfortable with these people.

The first time tears ran down my face, if I remember it right, was at Hawk 'N' Dove. (Everyone was just too crazy back in the apartment, crying wasn't even an option. (Now I sound weird saying the word crying.)) Anna started it, although it lasted only for a while, which was just right or I would've made a complete fool of myself in front of all those people. Then came the dancing and the drinking and the picture taking. I had enough to put on the videos. Then back to the apartment to hang out for the last time. It was at that point when I completely lost it. One of the girls saw me... It was crazy. As if it wasn't enough, another one saw me back in the apartment. I just didn't want to leave.

I just realized that the fear came from leaving behind familiarity. I am the type of person who, once attached, becomes reliant. I rely on the people to go out and have dinner with, visit at night and bug, walk around and just sing without minding people hearing it, and just hanging out. From this experience, I am sad that I had to leave the whole place behind and along with that, the people. The idea of going separate ways is exciting. I can only wait to see the bright future these people all have. But along with that is the idea of losing touch, of not seeing these people ever again. It is just scary. Indeed, we all have to move on and see what lies ahead. All I could do is try to keep in touch and... miss them. And it sucks that way.

I will miss the times when I'd just show up in the girls' apartment, anytime, to have some of the food they cooked or to just scare them by moving around their things. I will miss the times when I'd just drop by and hang out with the guys from downstairs until 3-4 in the morning, falling asleep while they're eagerly watching a movie, and just talking about random stuff. I will miss the girls cooking for me. I will miss being advised to start eating veggies and stop eating unhealthy foods. I will miss a friend who just wouldn't stop chugging on diet coke and starbucks coffee every single day, until the last 2 weeks of the program. I will miss traveling to the other apartment to meet up for some late night clubbing somewhere, chinatown or dupont or just in everyone's favorite along Penn Ave. I will miss the parties held in 234 6th St. and beer pong and lebanese chicken and just about everything. I will miss going to Hawk N Dove with them and just dancing like crazy, not minding whether other girls thought of me as crazy (you damn black nigga, mind your own!). I will miss getting drunk and just babbling and going home with some people and hanging out some more. I will miss having late night AIM chats with some of them, from ranting about school work and how exhausted we both are to talking about personal life. I will miss teasing and getting teased. I will miss the good laughs and the little ones. I will miss the drunken nights and pictures taken when I am the only one left sober. I will miss living with them in the same building. I will just miss them, entirely.

Maybe I did not spend enough time with the people from the other building. And it was really unfortunate. Most of the time, it was just Anna, Nikki, Jochen, Javi, Lauren, Matt, Sarah, Jae, Pavol, and Warren. I'm sure if I did, there would've been more memories to keep, considering the number of parties they had. But I didn't. And not that it was lacking nor was I feeling the urge to have spent more time with them. It was not so much the place as it was the people. And how you make extraordinary moments out of ordinary ones.

As Matt said in his blog, keeping in touch through facebook or any other means online isn't as good as actually talking to them in person. Online communication can only provide so much emotions and personality, we can only see half or even less of what the other person is trying to send across. As if that wasn't cruel enough, while time will heal us soon, my number one fear now is that as time heals the pain of leaving behind the places and most especially the people, it will take with it the tight bond we've built. I fear that one day, when we meet again, it would no longer be the same people I've meet 3 months ago. We have to admit, time does that. We go our own ways and be successful our own ways. But a part of us also forgets some part of the cherished past that we become cold towards some things, as if forgetting and being separated come hand in hand with growing up and becoming successful. I hope it doesn't get to a point where all we, I, could say to them is, Hi. If these happen, then the goodbyes given that lonely day of April really meant goodbye. A goodbye to the place, a goodbye to the people, a goodbye to the friendship.

At the end of all this, we could only ask, How do we say goodbye to the people we've come to love?

Simple: We don't.