shut up.

fear of failure serves as an effective wake up call. i know it is for many of us. failing seems to be the most dreadful thing we could ever face. whether it is failure in a test. or failure in achieving a goal. or even failure in personal relationships. whatever form it is, it's just something that always can make us stop and think about things again.

i wouldn't deny that i am a very confident person in many ways. i may not be the most brilliant person you'll ever meet but i believe i exude the aura of a confident person everytime i walk into a room. (and i'm not blowing my horn; just read on.) i believe that sometimes i could be too confident, to the point that i already sound discriminating or cocky, or both. but i wouldnt deny that the fear of failure is
something which never fails to remind me where i started, who and how i should somehow be.

it's my most recent dig for an adventure that led me to this realization. back in high school, as i was applying for the top universities here in the philippines and despite my very good academic records, it still never failed to bug me countless times how i could end up in one of the mediocre schools out there. (no offense to
whoever's reading this who thinks they came from a mediocre school.)

that would be my failure to live up to the expectations of friends and family to get into the top university in the country. it was the very first moment where my confidence sort of plunged. i knew that despite being on top my class, i could still fail all of the admissions tests i took given the fact that i came from the province, which means that the quality of education isnt as high as the one in manila (a small fish in a big pond) and that... you just cant tell whats gonna happen. it was a
threat to my self, to my being. failing would mean a big blow to me ego- that all the awards i reaped would be worthless. countless nights i prayed and prayed and prayed that i pass at least one of the tests i took. God was so good He got me into the four instis. the moment i found out i passed one of the four, my worries vanished. my confidence went to live again.

but now, i seem to be facing an even bigger challenge. if before, entering college wasn't really a competition (since i believe these universities don't set a quota for the number of students they would accept), this time, it IS a competition. and if before, i was only competing against 9,000 other students from all over the country, whose qualifications might not really be as high as the accepted applicants, this time, despite the lower number of competitors, it is still tougher. this is already a battle against 2000-3000 for just 150-200 slots. it may be a smaller pool of applicants. but it is the pool of HIGHLY QUALIFIED applicants. from all over the world. if confidence were the sole basis of getting accepted, then i'm sure as hell i could get into my dream school. however, sadly, it is not. it's not even a factor. or an additive. grades and a lil more are the bases. and it is at this point where i start thinking and questioning myself, can i still achieve what i have achiever four years back when i got into the top 4 universities in the country? going back to where i started, i know i am a confident person, a very confident one at that. but it is
things like this, the uncertainty of things with which we don't have control over, and the fear of failure that scares the hell out of me. another could be ego-crushing event. it is things like those that bring me back to make a reality check: i am just a small fish in a big pond.

and i guess that's enough to shut me up.